How do I deal with a mean mother?
Dear Lesley,
It sounds awful but I have such a struggle with my mother, her constant demands and toxic ‘snidey’ comments. Everything is a crisis, when sometimes the ‘crisis’ is the cable coming out of the back of the TV and the TV not working. What I do is never enough and she is constantly slagging me off (and my sisters and basically everybody) to everybody else. The vicious words that come out of her mouth are really upsetting. She also says inappropriate things to my children.
This is nothing new but it seems to be getting worse as she gets older and definitely in the last year. She is not alone, she has a husband who absolutely loves her but she is very up and down with him. She is on a cocktail of drugs and that has probably not helped her. I try to be sympathetic and help but part of me just wants to not do anything when she is being constantly rude.
Last week I did a week of ‘not engaging’ with her. I did visit her this week and said that she can’t keep saying these awful things to me. She said she was sorry and I felt better for saying what I had been holding in for a long time. I don’t know if this was the right thing to do. She hasn’t called me since so now I am thinking she has mulled things over and is cross with me.
Who knows what to do!
Regards, J
Lesley says:
Dear J,
I don’t think it sounds awful at all, at least not in the way that I think you mean it. You seem to be suggesting that it’s okay for your mother to give you a hard time, but not okay for you to be affected by it. It sounds like you’re worried people will think you’re picking on a defenceless old lady. Yet, from what you say, you’re the one being picked on!
Some people have wonderful, easy relationships with their mothers. Most people I talk to, either professionally or personally, have struggles along the way. Some can hardly bear to be in the same room. And when our mothers get older and more needy everything is heightened. But she has always been this way with you and everybody else. No wonder you feel upset. I think it’s important to recognise this because it might help you think about ways to handle it.
You’re doing your best
What came across to me from your email was that you were very clear that she is toxic, ‘snidey’, rude, vicious and demanding. Despite this you’re still trying to be sympathetic and helpful. And then when you do pluck up the courage to tell her the impact her words have on you, she reacts by not calling you – a kind of emotional blackmail – yet you’re the one who ends up feeling like you’re at fault.
I wonder if you’ve come across a book called ‘Will I Ever Be Good Enough?’ by Karyl McBride? It talks about mothers who are critical, self-obsessed and controlling. Interestingly the subtitle of the book is: Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers. The author says that narcissistic mothers manage to manipulate their daughters into feeling that they are somehow always in the wrong. And because this has been the pattern throughout their lives it’s very difficult to see it objectively and even harder to change things.
Recognising that your mum may not change
It’s possible that the drugs your mother is on make her worse and no doubt as she becomes aware of her own ageing and fragility the pattern of finding others to blame for her woes – real or imagined – is accentuated. All the more reason to try and break the cycle now! It’s great that your mother has a loving husband but she is likely to need more of your support as she gets older and you need to think about whether you are able to do this, whether you want to do this and how you will deal with the situation in the future.
Perhaps the hardest part for you is to see the situation clearly and accept that your mother is so bound up in herself and her own needs? This means you letting go of the desire for the perfect, altruistic mother that you wish you had. If you can find a way to do this, you can then step slightly away from the situation, stop trying to please her and feel less guilty when she sulks or withdraws her affection.
Standing up for yourself and your family
You could tell her more often that you don’t like the way she speaks to you, that it is unacceptable. And if she persists you can say calmly that you are going to leave or put the phone down. Although this is hard, you’ve done it once and you could do it again.
You also could perhaps have a think about who you are in all of this, what kind of daughter you want to be and where the boundaries are. Perhaps you can put up with her complaining about the TV cable and just say, ‘yes I know, I know’, or hold the phone away from your ear and think about something else! Whereas if she is unpleasant to your children you probably want to be very clear that you won’t put up with this and that they shouldn’t have to either.
Finding a balance in your relationship with your mother
It may be that she will gradually realise that you’re not going to be manipulated any more. She may change her ways. And she may not. But if you know in your heart that you have done nothing wrong and that you’re doing your best, at least you won’t have to carry around negative feelings.
In an ideal world, you would relate to her as one adult to another, on an equal footing. If this isn’t possible you may have to decide what your new relationship with her will look like and how far you can support her as she enters old age. I don’t envy you this difficult decision but I think things will be better for you and for your children if you can find a way to start tackling it now. So I wish you the very best of luck with it all and I hope you’re able to find a sense of peace.
Dr Lesley Trenner is an Ageing Parent specialist with extensive qualifications and experience in life coaching. Lesley provides one-to-one help for people who are struggling to balance work and care, or cope with mid-life, family and career challenges. Sessions are available face-to-face (London) or on the phone. Email Lesley or call 07919 880 250 for a free introductory chat.
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Nice ,but what if you do if you feel your mom is petty and tried to pick fights and loves to get under your skin.
I find mother’s like That don’t change certainly don’t say sorry if in the wrong my mum does a lot of twist and turns with me did not even ring me on my birthday after a while / yrs get fed up with it half the time it’s damn if you do and damn if you don’t
Mine did the same to me. Didn’t even call me on my birthday.
A lot of what everyone is saying I can relate to.. no phone call on my birthday either… when I saw her for the first time in 6 years a few weeks after my birthday she said.. didn’t you have a birthday recently.. I’ll never ever understand how someone could treat their child like that.. never…
For as long as I can remember, and I’m 60 now, my Mum has always craved the upper hand in every aspect of my life.
Her Grandchildren don’t really want anything to do with her and she refuses to accept any blame for her situation.
Recently she has ruined her own birthday by storming out of a meticulously planned celebration and I’m at my wits end with her. I’m under immense pressure to keep smiling but I’m finding it impossible.
Am I doing anything wrong?
Hi Mark. You haven’t given the full story but from what you say it’s likely you haven’t done anything wrong at all. Sounds like your mum has always been this way and even managed to alienate her own grandchildren which is a shame for them but particularly for her. I wonder if you do need to keep smiling? Sounds like you’ve tried every which way and it doesn’t make much difference so perhaps it’s time to switch off. Be polite can but keep interactions to a minimum and see if you can go into a different place in your own… Read more »
My mother did that also, decades ago, and she’s only gotten worse. All of us daughters were at her house to celebrate her birthday, and she was in her g****** bedroom moping …and we’re sitting at the table with the birthday cake like idiots. I cannot stand my mother. I hate my mother.
My mother is the same in many respect. Nothing I have ever done has met her expectations and I am not the daughter she wanted. Nevertheless, I am the daughter she got and I try my best to help her out. But as she has been that way my whole life, I am in many respects like she was with me when I was little, I give her everything materially that she could need, but the one thing that I can’t give, because it is not there is love. I feel bad about not loving my mother for a long… Read more »
Such a sad situation. Sometimes I think we all buy into the fairytale that mothers are perfect and giving and provide unconditional love to their children. That makes it even harder to accept that some mothers just won’t or just can’t for whatever reason (quite likely because of what went on in their own childhood). But it’s great to hear that you were able to break the cycle with your own children, Caroline.
This is all so familiar to me. My mother is now in a care home and I am over 60 and retired. I live every day with the guilt that she is unhappy and I know that she would prefer it if I let her move in with me but I can’t do that, as (aside from practical difficulties with stairs and bathrooms) I know that I simply couldn’t cope mentally with the onslaught. The truth is that I am afraid of her. She has controlled me all my life with emotional blackmail (not speaking/not calling etc.) which has had… Read more »
The pandemic made me realise how bad it had become for me. I was glad of the pandemic as it meant I didn’t have to see her. I felt guilty. It’s damaged me. I went to find help and I’ve come to terms that I can’t change her or get her to behave as I want her to. I tell her now to stop being rude and horrible. It’s hard when she doesn’t treat my 2 younger sister in the same way
Hi my name is helia when I was a kid my mom always telling me because of you grandma i don’t care a bout you and also she care too much for my brother it wasn’t something to make me sad but my mom when yers go on she took to much hard on me and I do everything at home some times I’m too careless and do things wrong she started blaming me not just for that she blames me even for things that they are completely on my self and it doesn’t even need to come up in… Read more »
My mom blamed me for things that were out of my control, such as breaking out in acne. She would shame me about it. She would call me pimple-puss, as if I decided to break out in acne. If I wet the bed, she would call me pee-pot. She is a disgusting person.
I enjoyed to read the answer but what if like in my situation when you have tried creating boundaries and she is still nasty and disrespectful to you ?
Hi Rachel, I was just thinking the same, I have tried all my adult life to put boundaries there with my mother and pull her up if she is disrespectful/rude to me or my children but it just has no effect, its like she just can’t help herself and all this nastiness has to come out, she says horrible things to hurt or get a reaction even when a normal conversation is taking place
5.34pm/ 06.26,2022 i have a mother we always fight she always almost has to always fight. say things the dinner is burned, She get mad at me becuase i dont get the mail out in time. it gets me very angry, she is very pushy, always has to insist she is right, even bragged about haveing me remove from the house in handcuffs. and she thinks she can get away with this, she hasnt always been like this since she broke the corner of her hip, shes a different mean person, she is even making me extreemly mean, an i… Read more »
My mom is a really confusing person. She in all is a great mom and does so much for me. She really does love me and want the best for me. But sometimes when I’m just being normal she all of a sudden gets angry with me for no reason whatsoever. And when I try to explain what I was doing that supposedly bothered her, she gets even more angry and tells me to be quiet. This happens all way too often for me and every time I try to explain the same thing happens. Then most of the time… Read more »
Hello Ashton. So sorry to hear this is happening to you. It must be so confusing. Have you tried talking to a medical professional about this? It could be that there is some form of dementia going on here if this is new behaviour rather that a lifetime. I know it’s really, really hard to cope with, and it can make you feel hurt, alone and maybe angry too. Just remember, this isn’t your fault. You’re doing the best you can and you obviously love your mum. I’d also suggest getting in touch with the dementia support group that operates… Read more »
Thanks for the advice. I’ll be sure to take it into action. 😊
My Mom always makes empty promises and keeps getting my hopes up. For example last week the week before my birthday she promised to take me to the salon and to take me to the movies. Now today a day before my birthday she sqid that she made an appointment amd she cant afford it. Tomorrow is my birthday and i dont even have cake i know i wont get qny gifts or anything and the one thing i asked for i cant even get it. I worked so hard this school term and this year has been the worst… Read more »
Hello, I am 28 years old and my mother is 68 years old. My mother always shouts and talks loudly to me and I always get stressed when I hear her voice. Not even once have I been able to talk calmly about normal matters. He always controls and monitors me and that’s it for me. It is very annoying. He tries to make me do whatever he wants. We live together at home, but I don’t feel free at all and I feel suffocated. He always fights unnecessarily. I really don’t know what to do.
I just came across this as I’ve been taking my share to care for a mother that has been emotionally absent and a bully all my life. I’m now immersed in my childhood home doing a share of her 24/7 care and I hate it. I dread it. I come in after travelling hours, I don’t get a hello, just things like what I did wrong last time I was here. She’s expecting me to get up at 2am to make her a cuppa! My husband got a one boil kettle and tonight I’ve been dreading telling her I’ve got… Read more »
I’m so sorry to hear this Flo. I have no answers – life is just incredibly unfair sometimes. But you are amazing to be putting so much time and effort into caring for someone with no recognition back. Don’t forget that. Kathy@whentheygetolder
My mum keeps criticizing everything I do and every time I get rightfully angry at my brother she takes his side regardless of who is at fault…Just today she told me she didn’t want a daughter like me because of a little joke I made about being peaceful in college…
I’d like to join this discussion, I’m heading out of state to help my mother through a surgery. She needs me yet, she is insulting to me, accusatory and yet a victim. She constantly remembers bad things her way and has never apologized for anything. She is not motherly and I am a kind person but to be honest I do not like being around her. She is unkind and makes light of my life and calls attention to my looks in not a nice way.
My Mother has always treated me as her scapegoat ever since my father died when I was 6 years. She married again and had my brother. He is 9 years younger than me. My brother who I love dearly is my Mothers golden child who she says does everything for her! I am now 70 and she is 94 but she has always been a textbook Narcissist and her toxicity towards me is now unbearable. I’m a strong person with a loving family of my own but all the toxic stress in my life STILL comes from my Mother! Who… Read more »
Hello Liz. I am so sorry to hear of your predicament. I am not an expert, but listening to those who have tried to work with narcissistic mothers (and it’s surprising how many of them there are) leads me to believe you cannot win your mother’s approval. My personal opinion is that you need to put more space between you, rather than give in to demands to move in. By all means make sure her practical needs are met if you can, but try to loosen her grip on your life. I know that’s a really hard thing to do,… Read more »
So difficult! As an eldercare coach, sadly, l find this is such a common theme. One woman of 65 told me that she believed her mother’s demands would drive her to an early grave. She added, without irony, and if l die before she does, I’ll be absolutely furious!
I agree with Kathy: if you can possibly find a way to step back emotionally (the psychological equivalent to putting your fingers in your ears) it might ease the distress a little…
my mom doesn’t even let me make cookie dough. Because im not allowed to “steal her food” even though i asked her, and i was super nice about it and she was telling me that im not allowed to use her ingredients because it would be like “her going into my room and stealing all my gum and eating it and making a statue out of it” thats literally what she said to me. But i just wanted to bring some ingredients to school and make cookie dough at lunch reccess :(. But my mom is soo strict